![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dec. 16th, 2022 10:09 amI regret not having been here for some time. I'm really not doing well, mental-health wise. A former co-worker from Rush, where I worked just before moving to the Netherlands, had messaged me a couple of times since the fire but I hadn't gotten back to him. He messaged again saying that he was a little upset I hadn't written back. I wrote him a longish response, which I will copy here as it kind of sums up how things are going right now.
---
Hi [name],
If by upset, you mean sad that I haven't written back, I'm sorry for that. I hate making people sad.
If by upset you mean that you're angry I haven't written back, I don't think that's fair.
I've never been very good at real-time communication. Being on things like Messenger and knowing people are waiting for me to respond in a timely way makes me anxious. Honestly, I missed out on so many social connections through the course of the internet in the '90s and on that way. Everyone was on IRC, or using MUDs, or on ICQ or AOL instant messenger, and I was more or less terrified of those things. Often when someone sends me a message, even my friend Mark who I've known for nearly 20 years now, my immediate response is anxiety that they may have expectations of a particular type and speed of response.
Now, that's exacerbated by the fact that I'm having a ridiculous level of anxiety lately about everything. I was at a doctor's office today for an appointment Miriam had. About 45 minutes into our wait, I nearly had a panic attack over being away from the house for so long. Miriam kept me from bursting into tears. When I leave the house or when I lie down in bed for the night, I am afraid that the apartment is going to catch on fire and I'll come home, or wake up, to all of my things being destroyed and my pet dying. Again.
I am really not doing so well, mental health wise, right now. My ability to do much of anything is pretty limited. Social anxiety is so bad that I've been trying to get myself together for weeks to order a birthday cake for Miriam and I to share. But it needs to be dairy free because she is lactose intolerant, and trying to explain that over the phone as well as figure out the right size and the kind of icing and all the other details while talking with someone on the phone is so scary that I just haven't been able to do it.
Beyond that, our politics are different enough to present another layer of anxiety to overcome in talking with you. I've been watching US politics with fear and alarm for years now, and the situation just seems to get worse. As someone in a group that major Republican trend makers think are pedophiles who'd be better off dead, it's hard for that fear and alarm to be completely separate from some of your Facebook posts.
I do care about you, I appreciate you wanting to support me, and am sorry I am not doing better at communicating. Honestly, I'm not really sure when or if that's going to get better. Even in Canada, mental health is luxury health, like teeth are luxury bones, so the options I have for addressing the kind of trauma I've been through are fairly limited.
---
And now I'm crying because I feel so completely useless that I can't even get a birthday cake made for my partner.
---
Hi [name],
If by upset, you mean sad that I haven't written back, I'm sorry for that. I hate making people sad.
If by upset you mean that you're angry I haven't written back, I don't think that's fair.
I've never been very good at real-time communication. Being on things like Messenger and knowing people are waiting for me to respond in a timely way makes me anxious. Honestly, I missed out on so many social connections through the course of the internet in the '90s and on that way. Everyone was on IRC, or using MUDs, or on ICQ or AOL instant messenger, and I was more or less terrified of those things. Often when someone sends me a message, even my friend Mark who I've known for nearly 20 years now, my immediate response is anxiety that they may have expectations of a particular type and speed of response.
Now, that's exacerbated by the fact that I'm having a ridiculous level of anxiety lately about everything. I was at a doctor's office today for an appointment Miriam had. About 45 minutes into our wait, I nearly had a panic attack over being away from the house for so long. Miriam kept me from bursting into tears. When I leave the house or when I lie down in bed for the night, I am afraid that the apartment is going to catch on fire and I'll come home, or wake up, to all of my things being destroyed and my pet dying. Again.
I am really not doing so well, mental health wise, right now. My ability to do much of anything is pretty limited. Social anxiety is so bad that I've been trying to get myself together for weeks to order a birthday cake for Miriam and I to share. But it needs to be dairy free because she is lactose intolerant, and trying to explain that over the phone as well as figure out the right size and the kind of icing and all the other details while talking with someone on the phone is so scary that I just haven't been able to do it.
Beyond that, our politics are different enough to present another layer of anxiety to overcome in talking with you. I've been watching US politics with fear and alarm for years now, and the situation just seems to get worse. As someone in a group that major Republican trend makers think are pedophiles who'd be better off dead, it's hard for that fear and alarm to be completely separate from some of your Facebook posts.
I do care about you, I appreciate you wanting to support me, and am sorry I am not doing better at communicating. Honestly, I'm not really sure when or if that's going to get better. Even in Canada, mental health is luxury health, like teeth are luxury bones, so the options I have for addressing the kind of trauma I've been through are fairly limited.
---
And now I'm crying because I feel so completely useless that I can't even get a birthday cake made for my partner.
