MeghanIsMe

This past weekend, I got to Kenosha to visit my parents on Sunday. I also got together in person with my undergrad advisor. I was deeply anxious and nervous about seeing her again. We've been in contact on Facebook and she's been really supportive and encouraging of me, but I have such strong feelings of shame and failure about Syracuse, and she was so important in encouraging me to go and telling me how much she believed in me and writing a wonderful recommendation letter. I felt really bad about myself whenever I let myself think about she and other faculty at Parkside who were so proud of me and believed so strongly in me.

I was going to go over to her place, but she suggested coming over to my parents' house and seeing everybody (they'd met her before). I'm glad she did. Being there and having my parents around helped make the experience more manageable. I still couldn't bring myself to answer the door when she got there; my parents did that. And as people made conversation about caught up, I kept looking down at the floor or playing with the dog. Finally, I started feeling more ok about being a part of the talking. When the topic connected, I told her about my feelings around Syracuse and how much I was worried I'd disappointed her and how ashamed I felt. She was nothing but encouraging, and reminded me again of how much I'd helped her too. That she hadn't realized how much anxiety was affecting her life until she saw my struggles with it. That She cares about me and I haven't disappointed her and she'd really like to talk more. That she'd like me to be a part of continuing work on, and talks on, Pike Creek if I'm interested.

I don't feel completely better; I have no idea how to make that happen. But I feel a lot better. And I'm going to plan to get together with her again when I'm in Kenosha, maybe at her place, to have a deeper conversation. She and I are both motivated by making society a better place. She's had a lot more experience than I have, and she has not given up. She believes in the ability to make a difference. I think talking to her specifically about what she thinks we, as people, can do, will help me. Plus I just really like her and miss her. Now that I'm not feeling nearly so ashamed and scared about seeing her, I'd really like to see her!

Yesterday was a difficult day.

I had two appointments; one was for new patient intake at a local clinic, and one was my usual therapy appointment. Having two stressors to manage in one day was hard, and caused a breakdown. Danae went with me to both appointments, and I was very grateful for her presence. I didn't ask her to. She asked me whether I wanted her to come, but it's so hard for me to say yes to such questions. I feel like I need to be independent, and asking her to come with is a failure. I stress about being a burden on her, and taking more of her time increases that stress. So when she asked about coming with, I couldn't say yes, and I couldn't say no either because I wanted her there, and I was stuck in a glitched state.

I was really stressed about therapy. Last week, I'd been keeping an anxiety journal to show the therapist, and she said it was helpful. But last week, I had trouble writing in it and I didn't have anything to show her. I was panicky about doing therapy wrong [I realize how irrational that is] and about failing to meet my obligation. It felt like being in school and needing to have a paper or some research done and not having it ready and failing my professor. I talked a bit about this to Danae before going, and she suggested that maybe I should do voice recordings instead. I thought that was a good idea and said I'd try it next week. Then she got a voice-recording app onto my tablet and asked me to talk to it about these things like I'd talked to her, so I could have them for the therapist. But I panicked more. She wanted writing, not voice. Would she be willing to listen to voice recordings? Would they make sense or just be rambles? How could I come in with recordings already done and not make her feel obligated to listen to them if I asked her about doing so? Could I listen to my own voice talking about these things and not feel really embarrassed and self-conscious in a way I wasn't up to dealing with right then? It was a good idea, but it led to me collapsed against her in a heap, sobbing and clutching her.

I don't know how to explain to the therapist how badly I'm doing some days. Danae and I saw her together yesterday. I talked about how my day went, just saying that some of the things I did made me really stressed and it was hard for me to get through them, and because of that Danae went with me. Danae elaborated on that, but talked in detail about how I'd spent much of the day kneeling in front of the couch with my head on the cushions and against her leg, and how non-functional I became as I tried to deal with the anxiety journal stuff and voice-recording. The therapist seemed really surprised; I hadn't clearly explained this before I suppose. But it's hard for me to. I feel, in some strange way, like doing so is self-aggrandizing. Like I'm talking about how big and important my problems are. Like I'm making excuses for not managing my daily life. As though I'm dealing with something special and difficult, even though countless other people have these same problems. What makes me so special? And, as a separate issue from all of that, I'm embarrassed and ashamed of these reactions too.

Earlier this week, I was at the Northwestern University library with Danae to get some large-format printing done. The building was fantastic and I liked walking around it, but I was also anxious. I felt deeply nervousness and anxiety as I walked around the first level, and felt too uncomfortable to explore more without Danae with me. Later, at home, maybe the next day, I realized that it felt so much, even unconsciously, like being at Syracuse. So many wonderful books around. So many students sitting and studying and working. It made me think about my time at SU, and my failure to complete the program and all the people who believed in me and who I disappointed. And since them, I've had those thoughts in my mind a lot. The library staff and faculty at Parkside who believed in me and wrote me amazing, heartfelt recommendation letters and who helped me get into my dream college and program. And then I left after one semester. It makes me feel so very ashamed and embarrassed. I don't know how to deal with those feelings.

I don't write as much here as I might about the anxiety and depression issues I'm having. Maybe it's for the same reason that I haven't talked much to the therapist about them. There's a feeling that I'm painting a picture of myself as someone special, with special problems worth other people's time. And I don't feel like I am. I'm just another broken person trying to put zir life together.

Danae suggested I create a mental health filter here and use it to do journaling that I could then show to the therapist. She thought it might be less stressful, and be less triggery. Since I've been blogging for something like ten years, it predates school and won't feel like writing a paper or doing research. I think that makes sense, and I'm going to give it a try. If you read all this and would like to be on that filter, let me know and I'll add you. Totally your choice.

Today is better. It's still hard. I don't feel up to dealing with the mildly cold weather to go bicycling. This seems ridiculous to me as someone who regularly commuted 8 miles one way in temperatures well below 0F, but it does seem to be how I'm feeling. But I'm at least functional and will likely even get dishes done. Today, and tomorrow, and all the rest will be new days. And tomorrow I get to see the shelter dogs again on my volunteer shift at the shelter!