MeghanIsMe

The celebration of life for my dad yesterday was beautiful and I'm really glad I was there.

I've been having trouble since, though. I'm solidly in the territory of staying awake doing something distracting until I can barely keep my eyes open so I don't have to lie down with just my brain and me until I sleep. Miriam, my mother, and my brother helped me get out of a particularly bad spot this afternoon and I appreciate them so much, but they're all in bed now.

Sorry I may not be very communicative.

Danae and I were with my dad in the hospital most of yesterday afternoon. It seems like his prognosis is generally good but he is staying in the hospital though the night and at least some of today while they wait for his kidney function to improve. I'm frustrated that the nephrologist he's seen for decades isn't allowed to practice in the hospital he's in because of some rule or other. To me, this is a textbook example of bureaucracy interfering with patient care. Maybe I've even a little angry rather than just frustrated. I'm angry about the entire healthcare system already, but that's an even more personal failing than usual.

Further updates from my dad:

The graft is still attached. the surgeon thinks it is not infected, but is not sure. My dad is going back to Milwaukee again on Wednesday to see how he's progressing with the steroid plus antibiotic. The surgeon expects there to be improvement in his vision by then.

My parents got back from the hospital at half-past midnight last night. Lisa and I greeted them, packed up, and headed to her place. We arrived at close to two. I'd planned to head back home right away, but I sat down for a bit and realized how tired I was.

I napped with Lisa until nearly six, when I awoke, sobbing, from a nightmare. I can count the dreams in the last ten years that were bad enough to remember on the fingers of one hand, so I think I must be really stressed. Lisa, despite being three-quarters asleep, was a huge comfort.

I was scared to go outside after I'd packed up. I don't think that's ever happened before. I walked out the door of her apartment building and was shocked by the fabric-wrapped tree I'd looked at three other times that day, which had apparently turned into a giant person who wanted to assault me. The half-block walk to my car was anxiety-ridden, and after I got in the car and closed the door, I heard a sound that I instantly thought was someone pulling the passenger door handle, but there was no one there. (Nor, I might add, was there a bloody claw hanging from the handle when I arrived home....)

But I'm home now. My parents just went off to the hospital again so the eye doctor can check on my dad's progress. Turns out he has a scratch on his cornea and they want to see if the antibiotic is helping. I think that's a part, though not all, of last night's dream trigger. Though it didn't really shape the content.

Myself, I'm going to get a shower and put my brain back together. Maybe I'll work on my take home final, or my personal statement, or a resume/CV, or a poster abstract, or do some reading, or study for in-class finals, or try to figure my car out. Or maybe I'll go back to bed.