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Mar. 18th, 2023 04:16 pmSo, things to journal about. And by things, I mostly mean gender. So many experiences, thoughts, and feelings in my life center on gender lately, even a year into HRT and several years into thinking I might be a woman instead of agender.
I WAS A TEENAGE EXOCOLONIST
I've been playing I Was a Teenage Excocolonist and the game is amazing. It's exactly the sort of media I wish there were more of for me to discover. It's also had some content that's inspired reflection about my own experiences.
My character, who I named Meghan, has turned thirteen and is starting puberty. She's sometimes tired, and sometimes moody, and has had her first period. The game isn't over the top about this, but explains what's going on and ends its narrative with "Welcome to puberty, Meghan."
I stopped playing for a little while because I was having Thoughts and Feelings.
This alternate reality Meghan experiencing puberty was meaningful to me, and it made me think about my own, real life experience of puberty. I tried to remember what it felt like and what it meant to me and the answer I found is "not much." I don't think I was horrified like some trans folks who knew themselves better were, but I don't think I was excited about it either. I don't really remember what I thought or felt about my voice changing, or my body getting hairier. It's thirty years in the past so my thoughts may not accurately reflect reality, but right now I don't remember feeling anything about it at all. I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I feel like this must not be a typical experience? Puberty probably meant a lot to most people, right?
Just as I never felt connected to being male, maybe I didn't feel connected to puberty either. Maybe this is another aspect of what I think was a kind of life-long disassociation from my body and self. Playing this game and searching for my feelings about my own puberty, the only ones I can really find are sadness that I didn't get to experience bio-female puberty as a teen and get to grow up having feminine experiences and maybe being more in touch with my life and myself. Sadness that I can never have that.
Miriam noted that HRT-puberty is pretty meaningful to me now, and it really is. But it's neither the same thing nor the same timeline, and I'll never know what that's like.
VTUBING AND MY PUPPY-GIRL AVATAR
When I realized recently that I could create a cute video puppy-girl who could synch with my movements and replace me in webcam feeds, I connected that with the idea of streaming games online as a way to try to be social in this time of isolation while also getting to be a version of me I loved and who was completely new to me. I created the avatar and synched her with me and getting to see her moving her head and blinking like an adorable mirror-image of myself was amazing. I was literally giddy with joy. As I kept alternating looking at her and seeing myself, I was bouncing in my chair and holding my hands to my face, or making quiet, fervent comments to myself about how great this was and how happy I felt.
Later in the day, I'd been feeling depressed and listless for a while. Miriam was on the couch and I joined her. She asked if I wanted to play a game, but I wanted to just lie down with my head in her lap while she played. I wasn't sure what was in my head and figured it was just another random span of down-ness. At some point though, I realized I was thinking about the vtube avatar I made and how happy I was looking at her. And that happiness was making me sad somehow. As I talked with Miriam about it, I realized I was sad because I got to pretend, for a little while, that I looked cute and pretty. I was sad because I didn't look like that and it really hurt.
Miriam reasonably pointed out that she doesn't look like a cute anime character either, and that's true. But I responded through the tears I'd started crying "but you look like a girl." People recognize her as a woman, and they do not recognize me as a woman, and it's possible that a lot of people never will.
I think I'm going to be able to integrate this experience into my thoughts and feelings, and I'm still really looking forward to playing some games online with people as an anime puppy girl. But those feelings were an unexpected gut-punch that I had trouble even recognizing for what they were. Miriam had thought that I might have that reaction, and as I frequently am, I was impressed by her insight. I keep getting blind-sided by things like this that make perfect sense to me in retrospect, but that I had been completely oblivious of prior to the experience.
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS
There has been so much joy, and so much pain, in this process of transition. I feel so much and so deeply about so many things. And maybe that's part of that HRT-puberty I mentioned earlier. Maybe it's just me being in touch with myself in ways I never have been before. It's been a hell of a ride. It's been completely worth it, but it's really hard sometimes.
And I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by family and a partner and other loved ones and friends who are completely supportive of me. It's hard to imagine going through this and losing people I care about at the same time just for being who I am.
If you have other trans people in your life, please: be kind to them. This is hard. Miriam is in a support group for family of trans people and was just reading about a 12 year old girl who was disowned by her family for being trans and is in foster care now. Her new foster parents were looking for help there. It breaks my heart.
Is it any wonder why trans people are at risk for mental illness and suicide? We're just trying to live. Please, be kind. You don't have to be understanding if you can't, but at least be kind.
I WAS A TEENAGE EXOCOLONIST
I've been playing I Was a Teenage Excocolonist and the game is amazing. It's exactly the sort of media I wish there were more of for me to discover. It's also had some content that's inspired reflection about my own experiences.
My character, who I named Meghan, has turned thirteen and is starting puberty. She's sometimes tired, and sometimes moody, and has had her first period. The game isn't over the top about this, but explains what's going on and ends its narrative with "Welcome to puberty, Meghan."
I stopped playing for a little while because I was having Thoughts and Feelings.
This alternate reality Meghan experiencing puberty was meaningful to me, and it made me think about my own, real life experience of puberty. I tried to remember what it felt like and what it meant to me and the answer I found is "not much." I don't think I was horrified like some trans folks who knew themselves better were, but I don't think I was excited about it either. I don't really remember what I thought or felt about my voice changing, or my body getting hairier. It's thirty years in the past so my thoughts may not accurately reflect reality, but right now I don't remember feeling anything about it at all. I haven't taken a survey or anything, but I feel like this must not be a typical experience? Puberty probably meant a lot to most people, right?
Just as I never felt connected to being male, maybe I didn't feel connected to puberty either. Maybe this is another aspect of what I think was a kind of life-long disassociation from my body and self. Playing this game and searching for my feelings about my own puberty, the only ones I can really find are sadness that I didn't get to experience bio-female puberty as a teen and get to grow up having feminine experiences and maybe being more in touch with my life and myself. Sadness that I can never have that.
Miriam noted that HRT-puberty is pretty meaningful to me now, and it really is. But it's neither the same thing nor the same timeline, and I'll never know what that's like.
VTUBING AND MY PUPPY-GIRL AVATAR
When I realized recently that I could create a cute video puppy-girl who could synch with my movements and replace me in webcam feeds, I connected that with the idea of streaming games online as a way to try to be social in this time of isolation while also getting to be a version of me I loved and who was completely new to me. I created the avatar and synched her with me and getting to see her moving her head and blinking like an adorable mirror-image of myself was amazing. I was literally giddy with joy. As I kept alternating looking at her and seeing myself, I was bouncing in my chair and holding my hands to my face, or making quiet, fervent comments to myself about how great this was and how happy I felt.
Later in the day, I'd been feeling depressed and listless for a while. Miriam was on the couch and I joined her. She asked if I wanted to play a game, but I wanted to just lie down with my head in her lap while she played. I wasn't sure what was in my head and figured it was just another random span of down-ness. At some point though, I realized I was thinking about the vtube avatar I made and how happy I was looking at her. And that happiness was making me sad somehow. As I talked with Miriam about it, I realized I was sad because I got to pretend, for a little while, that I looked cute and pretty. I was sad because I didn't look like that and it really hurt.
Miriam reasonably pointed out that she doesn't look like a cute anime character either, and that's true. But I responded through the tears I'd started crying "but you look like a girl." People recognize her as a woman, and they do not recognize me as a woman, and it's possible that a lot of people never will.
I think I'm going to be able to integrate this experience into my thoughts and feelings, and I'm still really looking forward to playing some games online with people as an anime puppy girl. But those feelings were an unexpected gut-punch that I had trouble even recognizing for what they were. Miriam had thought that I might have that reaction, and as I frequently am, I was impressed by her insight. I keep getting blind-sided by things like this that make perfect sense to me in retrospect, but that I had been completely oblivious of prior to the experience.
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS
There has been so much joy, and so much pain, in this process of transition. I feel so much and so deeply about so many things. And maybe that's part of that HRT-puberty I mentioned earlier. Maybe it's just me being in touch with myself in ways I never have been before. It's been a hell of a ride. It's been completely worth it, but it's really hard sometimes.
And I'm lucky enough to be surrounded by family and a partner and other loved ones and friends who are completely supportive of me. It's hard to imagine going through this and losing people I care about at the same time just for being who I am.
If you have other trans people in your life, please: be kind to them. This is hard. Miriam is in a support group for family of trans people and was just reading about a 12 year old girl who was disowned by her family for being trans and is in foster care now. Her new foster parents were looking for help there. It breaks my heart.
Is it any wonder why trans people are at risk for mental illness and suicide? We're just trying to live. Please, be kind. You don't have to be understanding if you can't, but at least be kind.
