MeghanIsMe

Late last night, I returned home from a trip to a free dental clinic in Indianapolis. I got a needed filling done, and my traveling companions got work of their own taken care of. With memes going around expressing curiosity about how long it will be until Gofundme is the nation's largest healthcare provider, I wonder if we'll eventually start seeing this kind of clinic popping up to take care of general health issues as well. At least these clinic helped someone I care deeply about enough that she could stop taking *fish antibiotics* to fight an infection because she couldn't afford human ones. But we don't live in a third-world country; no not at all.

Lisa and Kyttin were wonderful company. Though I've known Kyttin peripherally for years, due to all sorts of reasons, I never felt like I knew her very well. She was part of a social circle I knew through my ex, but I never really managed to be a part of it. As we talked, she told me that they all liked me a great deal, and largely tolerated inviting my ex to things in order to have me there. But when I was there, I was so terrified of interacting with folks that I just kind of hid in a corner and didn't talk to anyone. They wanted to try to offer various accommodations for me, but my ex discouraged them.

After I split up with my ex, I guess my thought process was that they weren't really interested in interacting with me. I'm not sure why. Or maybe I connected them in my mind to my ex and was worried they didn't like me, or...I don't know. It was a confused and difficult time. People didn't realize for some time that I was on my own. I was not good at initiating contact with other people, and they didn't have much reason to contact me, or really know what was going on with me. So for years I've felt mildly sad, and I guess occasionally bitter, thinking about them (along with other people I have been alienated from by drama with my ex). I was nervous about a long car ride with Kyttin, not sure if I'd feel super awkward.

As it turned out, we had a lot of deep conversations, including me explaining some of that. She comforted me when, at the end of describing my current social situation, said "I deserve to have more friends, right?" and started crying. We talked about the local kink scene, dating, and our respective mental health issues. She told me that she'd wondered for years whether I was interested in her, which was somehow both surprising and not at the same time? I guess maybe I'd wondered if that was what she was expressing on occasion, but then assumed it wasn't, and was too anxious and/or too busy dealing with my own very dysfunctional relationship with my ex to be aware, or know what to do.

It made me feel so good. About her and about myself. We snuggled a lot: on the way there, waiting at the clinic, waiting in the car while they finished with Lisa. She is wonderful to snuggle with. Once, she asked if she could kiss me and I froze up. She recognized that and reassured me that she enjoyed snuggling me and would be more than happy to continue to do so regardless. And we did. It took me a long time to calm my anxiety down enough to explain what was in my head. I finally did, and she reassured me that not only is she fine just being snuggly and friendly, it's also refreshing to be able to be snuggly with someone and know there is no expectation of anything further. That's really good for me, too. I really need more low-anxiety, no-pressure touching that I can offer informed consent for in my life.

The things in my mind were:

First, there's my inability to really understand what I want and how to react when someone expresses interest in me that way. I told her how I feel that in my relationships with both my ex and with Danae, that I don't know if I had a lot of agency in beginning them. With Danae, I feel tremendous joy in, and love for, her, and am so grateful she is in my life. But when our relationships first started, before I really fell in love with her, was it me unconsciously mirroring an expression of attraction? I don't know. And I feel that starting any kind of new relationship involving that kind of touch is not something I can do safely right now. We had a wonderful conversation about that, too, and she's going to find info for a therapist she knows to recommend to me. As sad as I feel bout having spent so many years wishing I knew how to look for new boy/girlfriends and playpartners, I've decided for myself that I'm not taking on any new ones until I understand myself a little better. (Look! I'm making good, informed decisions for myself! Enough of that, and maybe I can do it in the moment instead of just beforehand.)

Second, there is tension between her and Danae. It's complicated and not my story anyway. But me being involved with Kyttin would be difficult for Danae, especially right now. I was so scared of talking to Danae today and telling her that I wanted to be friends with Kyttin, to spend time with her. It took me some time sitting next to her on the couch with an arm around her and watching her play games to muster the courage to do so. And of course, as I knew rationally was the case, I had worried far too much. Of course it would be ok! I can be friends with anyone I want! More talking might be involved if I wanted to date her, but of course we can be friends, Danae said. Which was largely what I expected to hear, but enough bad experiences with my ex have left me terrified around this topic.

There are things to think about in the future. For now, I hope to go see her again soon for more snuggles and conversation! I really like her company.