MeghanIsMe

I got put together for the trans support group today, and I look ok. I'm slowly feeling more at home in my own life in ways I had no idea I could feel, and in ways I didn't even know how out of place I've felt for so long.

I'm going to get laser on my face after this move! So excited for that! I'm finally going to go to a salon or such to get my eyebrows done too. Hopefully once they're shaped, I can figure out how to maintain them.



It's amazing to be done with the MLIS. My therapist in Chicago, when I was talking to them once about possible career plans, told me that "the world needs more radical queer librarians." Whatever kind of work I end up doing with my MLIS, that's my goal.

That said, right now I'm still not allowed to work in Canada, so I'm going to see what kind of 100% remote jobs I might be able to find that are based in the US that I could do while I'm waiting for my residency to be approved.

On Facebook, where I posted this picture and talked about getting laser done, friends were talking a little bit about the beauty industry and the toxicity of it. I agree 100%, and I had a lot to say about it. I'll paste it here too because it's tied in to my thoughts and values regarding my body and social expectations that I've had my whole life.

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I have so much trouble reconciling the way the beauty industry monetizes self-doubt and shame, especially self-doubt and shame in female-identified people. And through most of my life, I thought pressure to do aesthetic things to your body to conform to beauty standards was a blight on society. I'd long ago decided that there was nothing wrong with my body and I didn't need to do anything to make it different or better or more acceptable.

The same was true while I was identifying as agender. I realize in retrospect that part of deciding I was agender was, in really simple terms, a mostly unconscious belief that I'd never be an okay-looking girl. But it was also an expression of my disregard for societal expectations about my body and my belief that those expectations are tyrannical and irrational. It was simultaneously a way to incorporate aspects of femininity into my appearance while rejecting the shame I would otherwise feel if people saw me 'failing' at being feminine and feeling like I was giving the finger to standards of appearance like the kind the beauty industry pushes. If I'm not trying to look like a girl, you can't say I failed at it!

But, much like my experience many years ago with my hair, I've now finally realized that a big part of why I didn't really care about my body meeting societal expectations was that I didn't really care that much personally about how my body looked. When I was a kid, I didn't care about my hair at all. My parents would ask me what kind of haircut I wanted, and I had no idea. Then I grew it out for the first time, and realized that my hair matters to me. A lot!

Starting to present my body in feminine ways is having the same effect. I've realized that being a woman is something I can have if I want it, and suddenly my body and appearance matter more to me than I ever thought they would. Unfortunately, that's tied right into toxic beauty standards and the exploitation of the beauty industry, and I hate being a part of that.

I'm pressured into conforming for two reasons. First is the ever-present expectation that women will do certain things to conform to those standards. Second is the fear that if I don't conform to those standards, I will be seen as failing entirely at being a woman. Even more laughable to society than a trans woman who's trying to look acceptably feminine is one who claims to be a woman but rejects the ways that women typically present themselves. Portrayals of trans women intended to be degrading or humorous emphasize the ways those trans women fail to pass. I'm not brave enough to intentionally fail to pass, much as I wish I was.

And beyond *all of that*, in ways that I really don't understand, I actually truly love doing things that make me look traditionally feminine. That's something whose internal motivation might be impossible to extricate from external motivation, but it gives me such inner joy to look at myself and see femininity. I've spent a lot of my life rejecting the emotions I have about things and instead making decisions based on rationality, and I'm finally realizing that that really hasn't worked out for me so well.

Doing these things that make me feel pretty make me so deeply happy, and I'm going to embrace the happy.

The topic of vintage hi-fi came up on the local community's transgender Discord server. After talking about the availability of and qualities of transistorized gear versus tube-based gear, one person said that there must be some kind of pun "about trans-ness and hi-fis." Another person offered "I like tubes, but I prefer my trans-sisters?" I love it!

I also love that there are some of my flavor geeks around here!