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stormdogThings that I am feeling. Behind a cut for those who don't need to read a lengthy write-up of my negative mental state. I'm also kind of embarrassed to share this stuff publicly. I feel like so many people have supported me and I don't want to disappoint them. At the same time it's important to me, for some reason, to be
*Work avoidant behavior. When I sit down to work on something for school, I'm intensely distractable. I start looking for just about anything else I can do other than work. When I do manage to start working, it's always in fits and starts as I keep getting up to do something else, or I waste time on social media. Sometimes I will be looking right at a paper I'm in the middle of, and I'll tell myself that it has to get done, and I start reading through it to put myself back in the mindset I was in while writing it, and then I can't. I just do something else instead because I can't get myself to concentrate on the paper. Things take far, far longer than they should because of this. When I finish short-term projects, I can't get myself to start on anything long-term; starting seems overwhelming and I want a break
*Anxiety. I feel as though I am not up to completing the tasks before me related to school. This may be partly because things take so much longer than they should (or at least longer than I feel like they should) because I can't concentrate on them. I am worried that I will fail at this and disappoint the huge number of people who believe in me and have invested in my success.
*Lack of motivation: I was deeply excited about grad school as I got ready to move to New York and begin my program at Syracuse. At this point though, I feel that excitement very rarely. My goal of putting myself in a position to make cities better for their inhabitants, which was very motivational in the past, does not excite me. The most excited I've been about school recently was when I have read or listened to someone speak about archival research. Even that excitement doesn't seem to last very long, and my thoughts about talking to them about collaboration trail off into the doldrums of too much effort. Working in the archives in undergrad was the most enjoyable job I have ever had. I would have gone for an MLIS, except that I want to have a direct effect on the built environment and social justice. Now, though, I'm wondering if that's a reasonable way for me to go. I don't think one can get through grad school without great passion for the work, and I'm feeling like I made the wrong choice in doing something that I felt was more of a contribution to the public good, but less of a passion.
*I'm having trouble sleeping. It's always taken me a long time to get to sleep after going to bed. I don't know how long; maybe half an hour or so? It's often taking more than an hour lately though. I think; it's hard to know for sure. I wear a Fitbit that monitors my movements during the time I'm in bed, but I think I may be still enough for long enough that it thinks I'm sleeping. These sleeping issues and stress and desire for control over time go way back to elementary school I think, and certainly high school. I'd stay up until four or five in the morning reading novels and be dead-tired at school and I didn't care because I just didn't want to be there. I'm very tempted these days to stay up way too late, but I'm managing to avoid doing so. My bed time seems to be slipping later and later though, which is worrisome.
*I think I may be failing to deal with the relative lack of structure in my current situation. I really like being in a position where there are solid expectations placed on me and well-marked path in front of me to follow. Grad school is not that place.
*Loneliness. I have very little contact with other human beings in person outside of class. I've seen my local friend Glen a couple times, and have had one evening of Spanish practice, which were both really nice. But I feel lonely and am missing physical contact. However, I also feel that I don't have time to pursue getting to know anyone socially. I'd been planning to go to the local board game meetups I found online, but I can't imagine having the time to devote. Similarly, I thought about creating an OK Cupid profile, but I can't imagine finding the time to get together with anyone I might meet. I miss the people in my life that I care about who are all far away. I think could manage that much better, though, if not for the preceding issues.
I'm having a lot of little escapist fantasies and wondering whether this is the right place for me at all. I'm learning to be a professional arguer. Is arguing going to make things better? Would I be better off being involved in some kind of activism or working in a library? Could I even reasonably expect to get into an MLIS program if I were to drop out of a master's here? What should I be doing with my life? I don't know.
So now I need to make an appointment to talk about all that and hope that it's helpful.
*Work avoidant behavior. When I sit down to work on something for school, I'm intensely distractable. I start looking for just about anything else I can do other than work. When I do manage to start working, it's always in fits and starts as I keep getting up to do something else, or I waste time on social media. Sometimes I will be looking right at a paper I'm in the middle of, and I'll tell myself that it has to get done, and I start reading through it to put myself back in the mindset I was in while writing it, and then I can't. I just do something else instead because I can't get myself to concentrate on the paper. Things take far, far longer than they should because of this. When I finish short-term projects, I can't get myself to start on anything long-term; starting seems overwhelming and I want a break
*Anxiety. I feel as though I am not up to completing the tasks before me related to school. This may be partly because things take so much longer than they should (or at least longer than I feel like they should) because I can't concentrate on them. I am worried that I will fail at this and disappoint the huge number of people who believe in me and have invested in my success.
*Lack of motivation: I was deeply excited about grad school as I got ready to move to New York and begin my program at Syracuse. At this point though, I feel that excitement very rarely. My goal of putting myself in a position to make cities better for their inhabitants, which was very motivational in the past, does not excite me. The most excited I've been about school recently was when I have read or listened to someone speak about archival research. Even that excitement doesn't seem to last very long, and my thoughts about talking to them about collaboration trail off into the doldrums of too much effort. Working in the archives in undergrad was the most enjoyable job I have ever had. I would have gone for an MLIS, except that I want to have a direct effect on the built environment and social justice. Now, though, I'm wondering if that's a reasonable way for me to go. I don't think one can get through grad school without great passion for the work, and I'm feeling like I made the wrong choice in doing something that I felt was more of a contribution to the public good, but less of a passion.
*I'm having trouble sleeping. It's always taken me a long time to get to sleep after going to bed. I don't know how long; maybe half an hour or so? It's often taking more than an hour lately though. I think; it's hard to know for sure. I wear a Fitbit that monitors my movements during the time I'm in bed, but I think I may be still enough for long enough that it thinks I'm sleeping. These sleeping issues and stress and desire for control over time go way back to elementary school I think, and certainly high school. I'd stay up until four or five in the morning reading novels and be dead-tired at school and I didn't care because I just didn't want to be there. I'm very tempted these days to stay up way too late, but I'm managing to avoid doing so. My bed time seems to be slipping later and later though, which is worrisome.
*I think I may be failing to deal with the relative lack of structure in my current situation. I really like being in a position where there are solid expectations placed on me and well-marked path in front of me to follow. Grad school is not that place.
*Loneliness. I have very little contact with other human beings in person outside of class. I've seen my local friend Glen a couple times, and have had one evening of Spanish practice, which were both really nice. But I feel lonely and am missing physical contact. However, I also feel that I don't have time to pursue getting to know anyone socially. I'd been planning to go to the local board game meetups I found online, but I can't imagine having the time to devote. Similarly, I thought about creating an OK Cupid profile, but I can't imagine finding the time to get together with anyone I might meet. I miss the people in my life that I care about who are all far away. I think could manage that much better, though, if not for the preceding issues.
I'm having a lot of little escapist fantasies and wondering whether this is the right place for me at all. I'm learning to be a professional arguer. Is arguing going to make things better? Would I be better off being involved in some kind of activism or working in a library? Could I even reasonably expect to get into an MLIS program if I were to drop out of a master's here? What should I be doing with my life? I don't know.
So now I need to make an appointment to talk about all that and hope that it's helpful.
