Identity Introspection
Mar. 25th, 2017 05:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stormdogA friend shared a link to an article about how to maintain a queer identity while in a relationship that most people read as straight. (Link to the article) It's certainly something I've thought a lot about, so I was curious about what are, I assume, some widely-shared thoughts on the issue. A few pieces of it left me feeling disempowered (though no intent or fault of the writer, I want to add). The writer's feelings of disconnection from her non-straight identity were assuaged by having dating partners of a variety of genders. Though it can feel like her identity is partially erased by being with her male partner, it was much harder for her when she was monogamous. I could, in theory, find validation of my own identity in a similar way; by actively seeking the kind of non cisfemale dating partners I'm interested in.
A significant problem with that is that I lack any dating experience or confidence. But more relevant to the feelings the article brings up is that I don't have a solid idea of my own identity. "Being mislabeled as straight can bring back all our baby-queer insecurities that we thought we were past: being “queer enough,” worrying about taking up space that isn’t “ours” to take up," writes the author. I have those fears myself, and I've never been past them to start with. Am I queer enough to call myself queer? Am I non-binary enough to call myself non-binary?
Taking up space that isn't mine to take up is a really good description of the feelings I have when I think about my relationship to gender in general. I don't identify as male, but I'm basically ok looking masculine. I'd like to do things with my appearance that are more feminine. About doing so, I have an externally-focused fear of not being taken seriously as an individual in most circumstances if I present myself in a way that people perceive as incoherent. (I use the term incoherent because there is a real language of visual self-expression that deeply affects other's perceptions, and people don't react well to incoherent language.) But I also have an internally focused fear of taking up that space that isn't mine. Of presenting myself in a way I am not entitled to. That my adoption of feminine expression comes from a place of great privilege compared to trans people, and that it will therefore be seen as shallow.
That's enough semi-coherent navel-gazing for the moment. I don't have a solid idea of my identity in so many respects. I never really have. I need to figure that out. The first person who ever expressed sexual interest in me was male. I'd never even considered that I might not be straight, but I simply decided that I wasn't. I've put myself in real danger because I'm unable to say no to people who are interested in me. I've been in two relationships that started when I was successfully propositioned by someone I'd just met, somewhat to my own surprise since I'd always thought I'd want to know someone better. I don't really know how much of those things, and many other things, are attributable to me wanting to be what other people want. I don't know for sure that I've ever made well-considered, self-aware decisions about these things.
So next week I'm going to this. Genderqueer Chicago, "a grassroots, peer-led group that works to create safe spaces for all of us to talk about, think about, explore, and express gender." I think that might be a start to puzzling through some of these things.
A significant problem with that is that I lack any dating experience or confidence. But more relevant to the feelings the article brings up is that I don't have a solid idea of my own identity. "Being mislabeled as straight can bring back all our baby-queer insecurities that we thought we were past: being “queer enough,” worrying about taking up space that isn’t “ours” to take up," writes the author. I have those fears myself, and I've never been past them to start with. Am I queer enough to call myself queer? Am I non-binary enough to call myself non-binary?
Taking up space that isn't mine to take up is a really good description of the feelings I have when I think about my relationship to gender in general. I don't identify as male, but I'm basically ok looking masculine. I'd like to do things with my appearance that are more feminine. About doing so, I have an externally-focused fear of not being taken seriously as an individual in most circumstances if I present myself in a way that people perceive as incoherent. (I use the term incoherent because there is a real language of visual self-expression that deeply affects other's perceptions, and people don't react well to incoherent language.) But I also have an internally focused fear of taking up that space that isn't mine. Of presenting myself in a way I am not entitled to. That my adoption of feminine expression comes from a place of great privilege compared to trans people, and that it will therefore be seen as shallow.
That's enough semi-coherent navel-gazing for the moment. I don't have a solid idea of my identity in so many respects. I never really have. I need to figure that out. The first person who ever expressed sexual interest in me was male. I'd never even considered that I might not be straight, but I simply decided that I wasn't. I've put myself in real danger because I'm unable to say no to people who are interested in me. I've been in two relationships that started when I was successfully propositioned by someone I'd just met, somewhat to my own surprise since I'd always thought I'd want to know someone better. I don't really know how much of those things, and many other things, are attributable to me wanting to be what other people want. I don't know for sure that I've ever made well-considered, self-aware decisions about these things.
So next week I'm going to this. Genderqueer Chicago, "a grassroots, peer-led group that works to create safe spaces for all of us to talk about, think about, explore, and express gender." I think that might be a start to puzzling through some of these things.
