Upcoming Meeting with a Therapist

[stormdog]

I'm meeting the therapist I contacted for the first time this coming Wednesday. In zir email, zie gave me directions to the room and let me know where the nearest gender-neutral restrooms are.

That set off a round of angsting in my brain. This a sense of some of my irrational thoughts.

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I often use the men's room even if there are gender neutral bathrooms available. Using them feels like intruding in queer space. Like 'real' genderqueer people will be affronted by this guy using their area. The therapist hasn't met me yet. When zie meets me, maybe it'll be hard for zie to take me seriously as a non-binary person. I don't feel like I merit the consideration of being specifically informed about gender neutral facilities. Maybe I'm just wasting everyone's time. If I just present masculine all the time, is my agender-ness even important enough to worry over and talk about? There are NB people who are ostracized and harassed and attacked because of their appearance; I'm so not part of that world.

Other people have questioned the importance of gender to me given that I don't seem that unhappy being perceived as male. Does it really mean that much to me?

Do these fears put me in danger of shaping myself to fit what I unconsciously feel is expected of me, as I so often do? How I do keep hold of the real me in the face of beliefs about what other people expect and want from me when I don't even really know what the real me is?

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I'm even scared of asking the therapist what pronouns zie prefers. I instinctively want to offer some kind of explanation of why I'm asking. I also feel like it'll somehow seem like an affectation; posing as something I'm not. I realize this is ridiculous.

There does not seem to be a rational way to address this kind of irrationality. I share it both to have a record of where I'm at these days (as has been my intent since I started journaling over a decade ago) and because maybe it will be meaningful to other people in some positive way.

Comments

[acelightning]

The therapist undoubtedly mentions the restrooms to all of zir potential clients, just in case it's relevant to them. Zir job is to help people become comfortable with themselves, and there are those who feel most comfortable with gender-neutral restrooms. (I've been in quite a few professional offices where there's just one restroom, which is like a home "half bathroom" that only accommodates one person at a time, so gender isn't even an issue. But I'm a completely cis, if fairly butch, female, and I wouldn't mind using a gender-neutral restroom if that's what there was.)

The therapist will probably ask you what pronouns you prefer, which will give you a perfect opportunity to ask zir which ones she prefers. You don't need to explain unless zie asks, and/or if you feel you need to.

[stormdog]

I appreciate your thoughts.

I'm sure zie lets all of zir clients know about restrooms. Rationally, I realize that these are minor concerns at most. I'm very bad at internalizing rational realizations that are at odds with irrational fear about how I'm affecting, or being perceived by, others. It's something I need to talk to a therapist about. *grins* It paralyzes me in a lot of areas of my life.

[acelightning]

My grown son is a clinical psychologist; I understand a lot of the basic principles.

Like cmcmck, I'm available for private conversations if you feel it would help. I haven't had the same kinds of problems, but I'm a Crone, and I try to be as non-judgemental as possible.

[stormdog]

Thank you; I appreciate the offer.

[acelightning]

You can PM me, too, if you'd rather.

[cmcmck]

And this is why you need to talk to someone about it.

You know that I have certain, shall we say, experiences on this front so if you want to talk about it feel free- via the backchannels rather than on blog if you'd sooner do that.

[stormdog]

You're very kind to offer. Thank you.

I'm not good at following up on people's offers to talk in depth about things. A friend in his own grad program offered to talk about how I was feeling while I was in Syracuse, but I never did. I guess I just don't know what to say or what to ask and just feel awkward.

[cmcmck]

I make no boundaries.

Ask and I'll answer if I can. :o)