(no subject)

The Hamfest I went to with posicat and company is over, to mixed results. I managed to find homes for enough of my stuff to come out even. A lot of it came back with me though, and in all it was a kind of frustrating experience. I did pick up some stuff for myself too though, including Posi's old Linksys router which will be useful when we get cable modem service in Detroit. I also just had a pretty decent time haning out with Posi and others as things slowed down at the end of the day. Maybe that's part of why I felt so lonely both days on my way back home.

I got home today and started on cover letters for the places I'm going to send my resume out to. This was something that I'd never done or even really considered before so I was kind of at a loss as to how to proceed. Sometimes I get stuck on these things and need a little bit of handholding to get me started. Handholding which my dear one graciously provided. She got me started, I got a few knocked out this evening, and I think it's getting a little easier.

Then I started packing up more of my stuff. *sigh* I hate going through my old stuff. Going through my old notebooks, or binders full of game characters that I've tucked away, or old school assignments makes me so uncomfortable. In fact, I remember taking most of my old notebooks and tearing out and throwing away all the pages that had my notes and writings from school. I start dwelling on all the time that's gone by and the many things that will never come again. I think about how much I should have done by now and how little I've actually accomplished. In a lot of ways, I almost feel like my life finally started in November of 2002, at Midwest Fur Fest, when my fear of being alone finally overcame my fear of the opposite, and, in general, that's as far back in my past as I really feel mostly comfortable with.

I've never liked really thinking about the past. A lot of my years in school have become little better than a homogenous haze, and I suspect I'm responsible for that, if subconsciously. I often can't seem to make my peace with experiences that I wish had gone a differant way. I look at them, analyze them, and figure out how to do things differantly, and intellectually they become a non-issue. But sometimes, months or even years later, they just pop back into my head long enough for me to angst over and then go into hiding again. Maybe that's why I feel uneasy about digging through these artifacts, these tangible reminders of things gone by. I guess part of it is the mood I'm in tonight too. I'm going to miss so many of you so much...

My parents are talking about taking the family out for food next weekend, my last one in Wisconsin. My dad tells me too that one of the high school girls I did theatre work with wants to see me before I leave to say goodbye. So many people to say goodbye to. People who care about me who I haven't even thought of in months. I guess I've never really realized how many people to say goodbye to there really are. I've started working again and I don't have time to go and see the people I would like to.

Most of all, right now, I miss Andrea. I just miss her so much. I need my raccoon to hold me in her arms and tell me everything will be ok. She's made my last six and a half months the best ones of my life, and a time that I will always remember gladly. Knowing she is in my life, I can look into the future and know that the times to come will be ones that I can remember, and gladly. My love, my life, keeper of my heart, I miss you so much...