A hodge-podge of an update

I had a really fun time with Lisa in the city this past weekend. We used a few Groupons that each of us had. One was for frozen yogurt from one of those multi-flavor, lots-o-toppings, serve yourself places. I had serious analysis paralysis the first time I went in one, having bits of four or five different yogurt flavors and probably half the different toppings they had. I was a little better this time.

For dinner on Sunday before I headed home, we went to a place called Buena Beach. It's hard to find, tucked into a small structure that joins two large condo buildings. I think the whole thing was a fancy hotel once, and this was the bar and restaurant. You wouldn't know it's there just to look, but it's close to her place, food is good, and the Groupons cover two burgers, a side, and a dessert. Tasty!

With the snow coming down and the sidewalks slush, I walked the two blocks to the car and drove back to pick Lisa up. There was a doorman at the building who motioned me up into the carport after it cleared. He approached the car with Lisa when I stopped, then opened and closed the door for her when she got in. I've done that myself for a few people, but I don't think I've ever actually seen anyone do that as part of their job before, and the picture really stuck in my mind. It seemed anachronistic, and it made me smile.

I also feel conflicted about it in a few ways. On one hand, I don't like standards of behavior that are based on gender, and there is a lot of gender performance wrapped up in that action. On the other hand, I'd be kind of thrilled, and guiltily so, if someone did that for me because I love subverting gender roles in that way. I'm pleased to open and close doors for my partners, if they enjoy that sort of thing (though neither of my current ones do, particularly). Ideally, someone I'm involved with and I would kind of trade off, depending on who happens to be driving and whether the other one enjoys the gesture. Like opening doors for someone behind you. But I can't help but admit that some of the thrill I get from it comes from it being a typically 'feminine' thing to enjoy.

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Lisa and I stopped at the Brown Elephant; a thrift store operated by Howard Brown Clinic, an LGBTQ-oriented medical practice in Chicago. Not surprisingly, they often have great clothes. I bought a shirt by Threadless featuring Alice (as in Wonderland) in a fighting stance with two katana, fighting zombie characters from her stories. The more I look at it, the more I like it. It's snug; a size smaller than I usually wear. I don't think I could just wear it anywhere. I think it will work well in particular circumstances though.

I also found a great pair of acid-washed jeans. Deep blue denim, with a very noticeable wash that kind of makes them look like cloud-patterned. I'm super-excited about those! But I probably won't wear them much in the winter when they're likely to get wet and dirty. Anyway, I like the look of these jeans enough that that I'm playing with the idea of doing some bleach tie-dye of another pair or two once warm weather is here. I've found some instructions online and it doesn't look too hard. I may try a black pair too and see how that comes out.

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I have drafts done for my last two applications. Hopefully tomorrow I can smooth them out and get them near done. I really want these things to be done. Before, I didn't think I'd be too stressed once I got things turned in. Now, I find myself stressing that maybe I didn't fill them out completely or correctly, or maybe I'm missing something, or maybe I just did a poor job with them. I had a dream a few nights ago about failing a bunch of my classes, which I'm sure is related. I need to let it go. It will be as it will be.

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I got to see Danae on Friday night, unexpectedly. Lisa was so exhausted that I just dropped her off at home and drove up to Evanston. It was really good to spend some time with her. I'd been feeling irrational anxiety that there was something wrong in the way we'd interacted the weekend before. I tried very hard during the course of the week not to ask for direct reassurance that all was well. As she later told me, she would have been happy to provide it, but I want to take charge of my mental state. I trust that we have good enough communication for her to tell me if there's something wrong, and I will not let myself drift toward asking for enough energy from her to be a nuisance. I'm a grown up and I will take care of my own neuroses as long as I am able to.

I do have some fear about moving away from her though. She and Lisa both, though less so with Lisa. I love Lisa and am really happy when I get time with her, but neither of us would want to be in the position of living together and seeing each other all the time! With Danae, though, I think we would be living together, or at least have given it a try, if our mutual circumstances would allow. With my school and work being in Kenosha, it just hasn't been possible up to now, but someday, when fates allow, we want to share living space. We expect to be in a relationship for the foreseeable future (though I recognize that, as with all things, this is not a given).

The thought of being far away from her inspires a lot of fear in me. Fear that our relationship will weaken and change. It will, of course, change; that's a given. But I love her tremendously and worry that a couple years spent living far apart will somehow unmake or damage what we have. I suppose that's a natural fear. We've talked about it, and neither of us think that will happen. We seem to both be pretty stuck on each other. But the fear is still there for me.

Alright, I need to be good to myself and get enough sleep. Probably more tomorrow.