(no subject)

It's been a rough couple of days.

There was a dog fight at the shelter I volunteer at yesterday. The dog who initiated it was on a leash I was holding, and that makes me responsible. The shift captain and other volunteers assured me that everyone did the right things in response and that no one was hurt and that all is, or will be, well.

But it only makes me feel a little better at most. As someone handling a shelter dog in that situation, I owe it to the people and the dogs there to always be in control. Two dogs were injured, and I feel like I'm one small step away from having injured them myself. I wanted to tell the dogs how very sorry I was that they were hurt because of me, but of course they wouldn't understand. If I drank, it would have been a night for drinking. Instead, I went home and ate a giant bowl of ice cream, the rest of my Turkish Delight, and a mini key lime pie. Then I went to bed.

It takes me a long time to feel confident in my competence about most anything, and I'm well into the land of self doubt. I feel like I don't deserve the responsibility of helping handle the more difficult shelter dogs. I'm second-guessing myself about a lot of things I felt confidence about. I'm scared of going back to the shelter next week and seeing the people and dogs there, and feeling shame and embarassment.

Then, at work this morning, I talked to a woman whose sister had just died after a prolonged illness. Said sister had two cats, and the caller couldn't take them due to serious allergies, and was trying to find a shelter to surrender them to. I had to tell her we couldn't help; we're more than full. I gave her info for other shelters, and one of the three was one she hadn't tried already, so I hope it helps. But I felt pretty depressed, again, after that.

Politics

"[Robert Muller]'s very, very good friends with Comey, which is very bothersome." -Donald Trump

I understand that when you're at the top in business, you can surround yourself with sycophantic ass-kissers who'll fabricate reasons to support your every whim because you're the highest bidder on their loyalty. It explains this world view: this critique that Mueller is going to manufacture evidence to support his friend's perceived vendetta against Trump. But it doesn't work like that. Any evidence that turns up will not survive the level of scrutiny it will be subjected to unless it's real and valid. To believe differently is in the realm of conspiracy theory.

Also, NPR says that five senators have come out as no votes on the revealed healthcare plan. One commentator suspects that resistance will diminish as the deadline comes closer, but I couldn't help but take pre-emptive joy in hoping that the Senate Republicans pushing for McConnell's plans are fucked.

Dog Handling

I just took Piper for her evening walk and paid conscious attention to how I handle her. Most of my dog-walking time these days is spent with a twelve-pound, half-blind dog who's scared of manhole covers and has been known to trip over curbs. I love her, but I think she's lulled me into sloppiness. Once I get further past the uncertainty and lack of confidence I'm feeling right now, it's something I can learn from. It may take a while before I believe I merit a chance to show that, but that's the way my brain is broken.