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Random bits.

I'm starting to think the white spot that looked like a sore below my teeth is actually a bit of exposed bone. I can still see the incision in my gums too. I'm still mostly eating on the opposite side of my mouth to avoid irritating it. It's not painful most of the time, but the area is easily irritated.

I was flying along to work on Monday morning and got a flat tire about five miles in. I walked half a mile east from Ashland and got on the train at the Berwyn Red Line station. I usually get to work around 6:30 to open at 7 but it took me until ten after. It's wonderful having co-workers who don't mind covering here and there and a manager who's really flexible on time. I brought an inner tube and frame pump to work on Tuesday to fix the flat and rode home.

Erik pointed out that with my work shirts, instead of ties (which I find really boring) I could wear necklaces. I love that idea! I was looking at some colorful ones online, then realized that if I get something on a grayscale palette I could wear it with a lot more things. I ordered a gray/white floral necklace to wear at Danae's graduation tomorrow as well as at work. It was going to arrive on Wednesday. Then it was going to arrive on Friday, which frustated me since I didn't know if it would be here on time. Now it's out for delivery. Supposedly. I also bought a chain and metal-scale necklace in pride colors and matching earrings from an Etsy maker. I'm so excited about wearing some interesting earrings!

My therapy appointments have switched from Wednesdays at three to Thursdays at four. Today will be the first time trying to bike to therapy after work, then going directly to my volunteering at the animal shelter from there. I'll get some fast food for dinner somewhere along the way. Also, I brought cute clothes to put on for talking to my therapist and working at the shelter. I want to be me more often!

I have tomorrow off of work to attend Danae's graduation. Her parents are coming from Hamilton, Ontario and my mother will be down from Kenosha, Wisconsin. My dad is busy with school stuff. Her parents might be uncomfortable about me wearing fem stuff, but I'm planning to do it anyway. A doctoral hooding ceremony is an excuse to get dressed up if anything is!

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There's a screencap going around lately that makes me grin. Someone is saying that calling the concentration camps at the borders of the US 'concentration camps' is too charged a phrase and runs afoul of Godwin's law. In response, Mike Godwin, the law's formulator, says, basically, 'no, these really are concentration camps.'

It's funny because it suggests the the original poster has no leg to stand on when using Godwin's Law as a basis for criticism. However....

I don't think that's actually true. A concept, an axiom, a hypothesis, once created, has an existence of its own. This makes me think of a discussion I was having with Danae when she was reading a lot of literature on the topic of the public sphere as formulated by Habermas. Talking about changing ideas about the public sphere, she said that "even Habermas doesn't agree with the public sphere as originally formulated by Habermas!"

I couldn't help but abstract that thought out to other realms. Once an idea has been put forth, it needs to stand on its own merits. Thinking about that idea and arguing for or against its applicability in certain contexts is a legitimate area of disagreement. Just because Habermas created this idea of the public sphere and how it operates doesn't mean that that idea is perfect as it is, nor does it mean that he is an absolute authority on how it exists and operates. People change too. If Godwin has different ideas now about what constitutes a Godwin's law issue than he did when the concept was first popularized, which is valid?

The answer to that, I think, is that, in the end, these are very fuzzy concepts that simply cannot be fully and cleanly described. I do not feel that the questions of whether or not these camps are concentration camps, or whether someone who calls them that has lost the argument by bringing up Nazis, can be unquestionably decided by Godwin or anyone else.

That said, give me a damn break. These things are concentration camps. They're horrific. Godwin is right, here.

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In my last therapy session, I talked about my feelings that I don't seem to get much out of large events like pride parades or naked bike ride, or sci-fi/fantasy conventions, or kink social spaces like the local dungeon. I ran my idea about those events from earlier by them (them=my therapist); that once people have gone to the same event a few times, it becomes more about sharing an experience with others than about having the experience myself. Since I don't seem to connect with other people in those circumstances, once the novelty is gone the enjoyment drops steeply.

Exploring that idea, we expanded it to my interactions with people in general. We thought about what kinds of social interactions I enjoy and seek, and what contexts I enjoy interactions with other people in. It's actually a pretty limited range.

Talking with Erik, I've commented that, when it comes to relationships, I don't seem to do things by halves. I was thinking specifically of romantic and sexual relationships, but it applies more broadly too. For me, people are grouped into people I feel safe and comfortable with, and everyone else. I don't have many gradations between.

That reminds me of how I've always felt the distinction in my mind between friend and lover and romantic partner was kind of fuzzy. In the past, though, I thought that that meant I would enjoy having an array of people in my life who I'm connected to in different ways and at different levels of intimacy. It's become clear that that doesn't really work for me. If I put that in the context of relations with other humans being something of a binary thing, though, it makes a whole different kind of sense. When I know someone well enough to feel safe and comfortable with them and to enjoy being unself-consciously in their presence, that in itself is a significant kind of intimacy for me. It's so unusual for me to feel that kind of peace and safety with someone else that, once I've created a space in my heart for them, they get the unfiltered Stormdog experience.

This might make getting to know people awkward if we're interacting at different levels of expectation of intimacy, be that intellectual, emotional, or physical. This model helps me understand the difficulty I've had in getting to know a number of people in various circumstances, when differing expectations of expressions of intimacy confused me and made me uncomfortable or scared. It also explains the intensely negative experiences I've had with people when there was an expectation of physical intimacy, even on *my* part, without other kinds of intimacy.

This model also fits my current situation pretty well. My social core is small and populated with people I am deeply connected to. Danae, Erik, and my family. Between those people, my needs are basically being met. I'm not feeling the kind of intense loneliness, or fear of missing out, that motivated me to look for new social outlets. Therapy has helped me tremendously with self-awareness and self-knowledge and made it *possible* for me to try new outlets: the local poly meetups, board game nights with people I know online, trying to be social at the local dungeon. I'm really proud of myself for the progress I've made and the bravery I found to go to these things and talk to strangers. But it's so hard and time-consuming to make connections that are meaningful to me, and I get little enough from having people in my life at only a passing-acquaintance level to chat with at events and then go home, that I don't feel motivated to do those social things very much.

At least for my own sake; Erik invited me to a queer contra dance last week and it was amazing! More about that later.