State of the Dog

I want to write an update about my current physical and mental status. Especially since I use Livejournal/Dreamwidth as a way to see how life was going in the past, it's somewhat important to me to keep it up to date. It's been rough, though.

Mentally, I'm not ok. I have lots of support from Danae and am not at risk of harming myself, so it could be worse. It's hard to say exactly why I feel the way I feel; there's so much happening and it all interacts in complex ways.

I've been having bad dreams consistently enough that I've started feeling a bit nervous about going to sleep. Last night, at least, my dreams did not induce panic or tears, though it was still very strange and full of negative stuff. When I do lie down in bed, though, I often snuggle Danae and cry a little without really knowing why.

I've tried to get mental health care here. I had a referral to the right place, and I talked to someone by phone who said a doctor would call to do an intake with me. But since then there's been no response to my calls and emails. I am understanding, given the current situation. I did, at least, get my GP to renew my prescriptions, though getting out to get them is a complex process.

It's complex because Danae and I are doing our best to quarantine ourselves completely at this point. She has a cough and other Covid-19-like symptoms. It's relatively mild and she does not have a fever, so we think our best option is to act as though she has it. Even if she does not, having Covid on top of another illness on top of the fact that she has a history of asthma and is in other risk groups makes it just as important to avoid exposing ourselves as it would if we had it. I, myself, have not had any symptoms of illness and feel fine in that regard. Her being sick with something and me never catching it or not having any symptoms worth mentioning is fairly typical for us.

A so-far-healthy friend just dropped off a bag of groceries at our door for us, and I just finished washing all the items and putting them away. We've been making the transition to grocery ordering online but haven't gotten all the supply planing down perfectly yet, and Kate was kind enough to pick up a few things to get us to our next delivery on Saturday.

Physically, I'm basically ok. I'd been feeling better enough since the bike accident that I was starting to think I was being overly careful. Malingering, even, as I thought about still trying to find a job, or starting up with the bike delivery company that I injured myself on my first day with.

Then, four days ago, I reinjured my knee. I was simply standing up from my chair when I felt something move in a way it's not supposed to and found that trying to straighten my leg caused severe pain. I made it to bed and rested, occasionally trying different positions to straighten my leg out, hoping that whatever was out of place would pop back, but no luck. Finally I called our doctor's office. The doctor got back to me with directions to ice it and let her know if it was still bad in a few days. Miriam and I were both a little nervous about the situation, but given the pandemic avoiding any in-person contact if at all possible is best.

After a night's sleep, I was actually doing a lot better. I could straighten my leg again, though walking on it felt quite weird, in a hard-to-describe way. Since then, it's improved enough for me to decide to take a short walk through the nearby forest preserve (well, the Dutch equivalent thereof) yesterday. I saw some pretty things, smiled at dogs and their people from far away, and generally managed to relax a little bit.

I still don't have my bike with me. I vacillate between thinking I should just walk the 9k to get it and ride it back (I'm not ok taking transit right now) and convincing myself that walking 9k with an unreliable knee is a bad idea.

Because of all of this mess, we've decided that me working is also a bad idea right now, and I think that's part of making my mental health bad because I feel like I'm not doing enough to support us. Since Danae's condo sold we'll be able to get by on just her income, and me taking over all of the household tasks while she concentrates on work is a viable plan we've discussed before.

But I'm having trouble being functional enough to *do* all those tasks, so I have feelings like I'm a burden on my partner. That was even more true during the spans when my injury wouldn't let me do *any* household work that couldn't be done from in front of a computer and she had to devote some of her time to being my caregiver. One dream I woke from in panic and tears was about her deciding our relationship wasn't working and we needed to break up.

So I'm fragile at the moment and am not sure when or how long it will be before I can find a therapist here to see again. Other than posting pictures of dogs I see outside our window, I'm mostly away from social media. I have very little ability to control my temper in the context of current events right now, so being there is not really productive for anybody.

My mental health is also precluding me from staying as connected with Erik in many of the ways I'd like to be. I'm not in the mindset to make sexy videos or anything for him, and since most of what I have to talk about right now is related to my lack of cope, part of me feels like he'll end up feeling like he's being my therapist and I don't want that. We have been having our weekly Skype date, and that helps me feel at least a little connected with him.

But I do miss you all. I hope you're all managing to get through life too. Virtual, quarantine-approved hugs to all of you.