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May. 14th, 2023 12:00 pmCW - death of a family member
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It's hard to imagine how my mother will be managing today. Her mother, my grandmother, died yesterday evening after a long period of time living with dementia in a care facility. I'm sure it's much harder on her than it is on me. I don't feel like I got to know my grandmother very well, and most of the feelings I'm having are centered on that. I was so scared of people as a kid, and it kept me from getting to know any of my extended family, really. I feel like I started connecting more with my grandfather before his death, when I would occasionally visit for him to show me how to do metalworking, but I didn't know him as well as I'd have liked. And even less, my grandmother. I hadn't seen her for years now, between being in Europe and then in Canada, and my parents tell me she likely wouldn't have recognized me anyway if I'd been able to visit.
It's strange and difficult being so far from my family as they manage things like this. I wish I could be with them in person to help. But I cannot, and I'm just thinking of them and telling them I'm here if I can do anything, and I guess that's basically the most I can do.
I am having feelings about this myself, for myself, as well as about and for my mother and parents. I'm just not really managing to get in touch with them well enough to know what they are. But I had Tears of the Kingdom to distract me for most of yesterday and that helped keep me busy while things process in the background, as they do. It's interesting; I used to have a lot of trouble being in touch with my emotions; even just figuring out what they are. My therapist in Chicago used to, in the middle of our sessions, pause and ask me how I was feeling. It was a really hard question to answer. That seems to be much less the case since starting transition, and I think it was a part of the gender-related disassociation I'd had resolving. Feeling like this now, not really sure what feelings are in there, reminds me of those experiences.
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It's hard to imagine how my mother will be managing today. Her mother, my grandmother, died yesterday evening after a long period of time living with dementia in a care facility. I'm sure it's much harder on her than it is on me. I don't feel like I got to know my grandmother very well, and most of the feelings I'm having are centered on that. I was so scared of people as a kid, and it kept me from getting to know any of my extended family, really. I feel like I started connecting more with my grandfather before his death, when I would occasionally visit for him to show me how to do metalworking, but I didn't know him as well as I'd have liked. And even less, my grandmother. I hadn't seen her for years now, between being in Europe and then in Canada, and my parents tell me she likely wouldn't have recognized me anyway if I'd been able to visit.
It's strange and difficult being so far from my family as they manage things like this. I wish I could be with them in person to help. But I cannot, and I'm just thinking of them and telling them I'm here if I can do anything, and I guess that's basically the most I can do.
I am having feelings about this myself, for myself, as well as about and for my mother and parents. I'm just not really managing to get in touch with them well enough to know what they are. But I had Tears of the Kingdom to distract me for most of yesterday and that helped keep me busy while things process in the background, as they do. It's interesting; I used to have a lot of trouble being in touch with my emotions; even just figuring out what they are. My therapist in Chicago used to, in the middle of our sessions, pause and ask me how I was feeling. It was a really hard question to answer. That seems to be much less the case since starting transition, and I think it was a part of the gender-related disassociation I'd had resolving. Feeling like this now, not really sure what feelings are in there, reminds me of those experiences.
