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Sep. 3rd, 2013 12:49 amIt really feels like the end of Summer and the first day of Fall today.
I have classes starting up on Wednesday. Not today, as I thought in a momentary panic when I looked at Google Calendar after midnight, but tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going back to school, learning interesting things from interesting people. And yet....
This turn of the wheel of seasons is making me wistful. Realizing I hadn't eaten breakfast yet helped with a bit of sadness this morning, but I've been feeling touches of it through the day. Unraveling it in my head, I think there are two parts to it.
First is feeling like I should have used the Summer more, or differently. I should have written more, worked more, read more, edited more pictures. Spent more time with my family, my partners, my friends, by myself. Transportation frustrations were a part of that, and I feel especially bad for not seeing more of Lisa this Summer. My financial situation is what it is, and the train helped a little. But I regret the time that things have taken from me.
Second is a lack of confidence in myself. Being, essentially, a TA is new to me. It's scary. I'm worried I'll be bad at it. I'm worried my lesson plans will flop, or that I don't have good enough study skills myself to try to teach them to others. I'm not sure that the way I take notes and study is the best way for most people to do it, and I hope I can help people figure out what works well for them. But this is new, and I'm afraid.
I'm also afraid of this upcoming presentation in November. It's a very big, new thing, and I'm not sure which of the two scares me more. I've started writing something that will eventually turn into my talk, but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. That I'm doing it wrong. That it will be bad. That I'm not intelligent in the ways I need to be to manage this.
I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. After two years of straight As, I'm only now, at the beginning of this semester, finally starting to not worry about whether I'll do well in class. And that may only be because I have these other things that are bigger and scarier. A small part of me is confident that I'll get through this and be ok, because I've gotten through so much else and I've been ok. But there's a lot of worry and doubt that's a part of my daily thought process as I plan and work on these things.
Perhaps there's something positive in this though. I'm asking myself, for the first time I can remember, and in an organized way, what kind of things might help me be more self-confident. Is there something other than two years of solid success that can help chip away these barriers of doubt? I don't know. But consciously thinking about it is, I think, new to me. Maybe that's indicative of some kind of dragging progress toward an answer to that question. I think that self-doubt casts a faint but persistent shadow over many aspects of my life. Not just school, but relationships too, and probably elsewhere. It would be nice to change that a little bit.
Have any of my readers wrestled with issues of self-confidence? How do you convince yourself that you're as good, or smart, or capable, as other people think you are?
I have classes starting up on Wednesday. Not today, as I thought in a momentary panic when I looked at Google Calendar after midnight, but tomorrow. I'm looking forward to going back to school, learning interesting things from interesting people. And yet....
This turn of the wheel of seasons is making me wistful. Realizing I hadn't eaten breakfast yet helped with a bit of sadness this morning, but I've been feeling touches of it through the day. Unraveling it in my head, I think there are two parts to it.
First is feeling like I should have used the Summer more, or differently. I should have written more, worked more, read more, edited more pictures. Spent more time with my family, my partners, my friends, by myself. Transportation frustrations were a part of that, and I feel especially bad for not seeing more of Lisa this Summer. My financial situation is what it is, and the train helped a little. But I regret the time that things have taken from me.
Second is a lack of confidence in myself. Being, essentially, a TA is new to me. It's scary. I'm worried I'll be bad at it. I'm worried my lesson plans will flop, or that I don't have good enough study skills myself to try to teach them to others. I'm not sure that the way I take notes and study is the best way for most people to do it, and I hope I can help people figure out what works well for them. But this is new, and I'm afraid.
I'm also afraid of this upcoming presentation in November. It's a very big, new thing, and I'm not sure which of the two scares me more. I've started writing something that will eventually turn into my talk, but I feel like I don't know what I'm doing. That I'm doing it wrong. That it will be bad. That I'm not intelligent in the ways I need to be to manage this.
I don't have a lot of confidence in myself. After two years of straight As, I'm only now, at the beginning of this semester, finally starting to not worry about whether I'll do well in class. And that may only be because I have these other things that are bigger and scarier. A small part of me is confident that I'll get through this and be ok, because I've gotten through so much else and I've been ok. But there's a lot of worry and doubt that's a part of my daily thought process as I plan and work on these things.
Perhaps there's something positive in this though. I'm asking myself, for the first time I can remember, and in an organized way, what kind of things might help me be more self-confident. Is there something other than two years of solid success that can help chip away these barriers of doubt? I don't know. But consciously thinking about it is, I think, new to me. Maybe that's indicative of some kind of dragging progress toward an answer to that question. I think that self-doubt casts a faint but persistent shadow over many aspects of my life. Not just school, but relationships too, and probably elsewhere. It would be nice to change that a little bit.
Have any of my readers wrestled with issues of self-confidence? How do you convince yourself that you're as good, or smart, or capable, as other people think you are?
